Just For Today....

When I find myself thinking too far into the future, I tend to get anxious...worried or fearful. When I remind myself to stay in today, things are a lot more manageable.

Finding the moments in each day to listen to my self talk,  reminding myself to be a little more quiet will often make a big difference in how I'm feeling.

If I can try to have LESS - judging, predictions, reactions and expectations - I am more centered and peaceful.

If I can try to fight LESS - my thougths, feelings and ideas of fairness or right and wrong - I am more loving and kind to myself and the world around me.

Nameste

RAIN

Just wanted to share -from Tara Brach: RAIN

Recognize what is going on;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with kindness;
Natural awareness, which comes from not identifying
with the experience.

Thank goodness for mindfulness!!  

What do you show people?

What I sometimes struggle with is being overly positive.  I feel this need to look for the good, be grateful and avoid focusing on negative. 

I have struggled emotionally in the past with depression and anxiety.  More specifically in my teens and early 20's I really was quite morose.  My favorite band at the time was The Smiths.  Have you listened to the words?   

Regardless, it took me some time to stop catasrophizing and looking at things with an all or none/black or white view.  Mindfulness has been very helpful  in my growth and me becoming MY better person...happier and more balanced. 

I think mindfulness teaches us to accept, yet to be in discomfort when it happens.  The more we resist things, the more they persist.  Intellectually I know this, but I still try and hide behind the mask I've created for decades.  Happy, positive and outgoing. The glass is half full.  And why?  I somehow feel it's "better" than being negative ...it's how I want to appear to the world.  Who do you want to work with, spend time with or marry? Debbie Downer or Chipper McHappypants? 

When I find my self talk telling me to focus on the good, I do listen;  I don't want to go down the rabbit hole into a dark place.  However, as with many things, once the pendulum swings, it goes a little too far!   When I'm doubting anything, I look to balance and that seems to be the answer. 

I can be sad.  I can be mad.  I can be happy or euphoric.  But any of the "extremes" get me into trouble.  I don't know how authetic it is because it is forced, either way.  I choose to be overly happy or sadly pessimistic.  As I've always said, when you are in a dark place....a low point....sometimes it's easier to let go and fall to the bottom so that you simply can't fall any further. On the flip side, I might be going through a divorce, job loss and illness and to say I'm "fine" and not acknowlege the struggle isn't honest. 

Balance.  It's all about balance.  I hate that my mother was right, yet again , but everything in moderation:) 

Nameste

Ego: friend or foe?

We are driven by many needs;  Of course Maslow's heirarchy of needs says we need food, oxygen, shelter and to procreate (more true for some than others!).

But I find most of us are driven by another need;  to be recognized, valued, appreciated and seen!  Ego is in all of us.  There are experts that say the ego is a necessary and important part of us.  Freud and other pshychiatrists might have another take.

I believe ego is a part of our daily life;  in the decisions we make, what motivates us and how we make life choices. It can be very powerful, overt and overwhelming.  It can also be suttle and more active in our subconcious.  Regardless, I think it's important to recognize our ego and listen to what we are hearing.

My most common experience is in a workplace.  Many of us only feel we have something truly special because of our job or our skills.  It's unfortunate as all of us are equally valuable just for exsisting!  What I see is "type A" people who put most of their effort into work;  we are there at least 8 hours a day...these are our families to some extent.  We feel good when we do a good job and crappy when we don't.

For me, the best advice I have and what has really shifted me out of putting all my eggs in my work basket is;  telling myself that this job would function with or without me.  I might be the "go to" person and really like that I am.  But if I were to leave, another person would fulfill this role.  I constantly remind myself that if I'm not there, the place isn't going to crumble!  If you find you like that people need to call you when you are off and things are challenging when you aren't there, ask yourself if you are perpetuating this?

My experience tells me that even when people say they "wish" they weren't so needed, they've actually set themselves up.  They tell clients..."talk to me when you call"...or "I'll fix the issue, just ask for me".  When people do this, they are making sure that other people can't step in and handle the work.

I believe in our country we do not have work-life balance.  We tend to put everything into work and forget about self care and hobbies.  Honestly, how many of us have "non striving" hobbies!  Things we do for fun!   An attribute of mindful care is being non- striving (without an end result).   Something to keep in mind.

We are driven by ego.  I think it's important to recognize when ego is over-taking our lives. Some would say our ego protects us.  I'm sure it serves a purpose.  But i don't want to base all my choices in life around it.  It's very primative....unrefined.  We need to make concious choices.  I choose not to be driven by ego.  I know I'm valuable regardless of the praise I get through work, partners, friends or society.

A nice quote to ponder by Eckhart Tolle.

Nameste

What we resist, persists...

I love these words;  and yet they can really make you think.  I tried explaining this to a friend the other day and find I struggle with articulating it well.

Originally said by Carl Jung I believe, I think it can be summed up by saying that when we resist things - we are fighting.  When we are fighting anything, the same thing will continue or get worse;  things don't move forward.

The opposite of resistance is acceptance.  One might then conclude, what we accept, resolves.  The struggle is gone and we are left with more peace and calm. 

Fighting or resisting can be anything...a feeling...a thought...a situation...something that we simply can't let go of.  I might refuse to accept the loss of a relationship.  The more I fight this reality, the harder it becomes to find peace.  If you find yourself in your head replaying situations and telling yourself over and over that it isn't fair or right....what you really might be trying to do is re-write the past which isn't possible.    When we stop fighting....aka....stop trying to argue why it was wrong....and just accept it as something that happened we might be able to move on a little more easily. 

Simply, ask yourself "What are you not accepting"?  I believe we are happier and more at peace accepting things insteading of fighting them. 

What we resist....persists.  

Nameste

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melissa-van-rossum/moving-forward_b_1700246.html

Two Sides....

It’s funny how the same situation can be looked at in two very different ways…isn’t it?  If you are sick with the flu, you can focus on the discomfort, annoyance and frustration that your life is put on hold for a few days.  At the same time, perhaps your body is forcing you to take a break?  You could also see that it might help you appreciate when you are well, and even give you some compassion for others that struggle more than yourself.

Most situations can be viewed  from opposite spectrums.  Things can be so bad – so uncertain and challenging – OR they can be positve because perhaps there is growth and learning that is happening… and maybe necessary change.

The funny thing is that both scenarios are just our minds at work.  The truth of it is that there is no good or bad really.  It just is.  I don’t have to worry about the past or future or try and make lemonade out of lemons.  I can just sit with knowing I’m where I’m supposed to be and things will turn out as they should.

Of course being positive is something I strive for; I do subscribe to the self fulfilling prophecy. So yes, if I have to have thougths…predictions and chatter…I will try and see the positive, hope for the best and contribute to my destiny.  But I also can’t forget who is in charge… not me!  I can’t predict the future.   I have no idea what will happen.  But I know right now – things are OK.

To anyone struggling –  don’t assume the worst.  Just accept the present, be honest and challenge your thoughts.  When we say ” life sucks”  we have to rectify that immediately.  The first step is hearing it.  The next is being honest;  what are the facts.  What is the truth.  How can we stop making judgements?  Life doesn’t suck.  There might be pain or uncertainty but it doesn’t warrent a blanket statement like that.  Hear what you are telling yourself and just…correct it or at least make an attempt to:)

Nameste

Oh Universe...when will I learn!!

I had a few things happen in the past week that caused some distress for me. 

The first was that I lost my keys.  Actually scratch that;  the first was that I lost my apple TV remote - the thing is so small!  I looked high and low - inside my pillow cases,  tore my bed apart got out the flashlight to look under everything....and just...couldn't find it. 

Kevin showed up on the weekend and found it;  inside a pillow case - I thought I checked it thoroughly...guess not! 

Then it was my keys;  very distressing as I had my bus pass, my home keys and my work keys!  I tore my house apart.  Moved every couch.  Googled..."how to find your keys".  I lost them for 3 days.  It's interesting to see how much stress and anxiety showed up loosing a few little pieces of metal! 

In life, you can choose to do what many of us do;  search and search.  Drive yourself crazy and never accept that maybe you won't find them.  I did this for 3 days.  

I don't believe in giving up .  However I also am willing to look at my own state of being and wellness.  I was loosing sleep, being obsessive and making myself crazy.  I said to myself, I'm going to have to ACCEPT that I might not find them....and be OK with that. They are just keys!  Sure it'd be 200 bucks to replace my work key and I'm sure some hefty judgement....but isn't that ok in the big picture? 

I said to myself;  Tara - be Ok with this.  It's not that bad.  Stop worrying.  Literally 5 minutes later I went to water my plants and found them. 

The universe is a funny lady!  I truly believe she thought....until you accept your loss, you won't get what you want!

A silly anecdote perhaps.  But isn't this the stress we all deal with day in and day out?  Isn't the lesson timeless?  Stop looking.  Stop trying to control.  When you are supposed to find something....you will. 

Nameste

Keep your comments to....

“When we attend to the moment-to-moment flow of experience, and recognize what’s happening…fully allowing it, not adding judgment or commentary, then we are cultivating a mindful awareness.” 

Tara Brach

One of my favorites - Tara Brach - thank you Heather for introducing her to me!

Not adding judgements or commentary - what a hard thing to do!  Making an attempt is half the battle. 

Nameste

Attachment

When you feel anxious about something in your day, quickly check if you might be more attached to the outcome than is necessary. Mindfulness for Worriers

I think attachment is something we all need to evaluate.  What are you attached too?  A relationship?  A job?  An image?  Your physical beauty?  Your intelligence?  Being accepted or liked?

When I say "attachment" what I'm really referring to is how much something affects and impacts you.  Am I OK if any of the above listed were to dissapear?  

I need to be OK today with who I am.  I can't depend on my external attachments .  Ask yourself this.  If I were to loose _________today....would I be OK? Would I still be me? Could I cope and function?

Today, I am choosing to be free - unattached.  

The only thing I might attach to is the fact that the sun will rise and fall tomorrow and time will tick on...regardless if I believe in it or support it.  External things come and go.  Internally, I will always be me, and their is always a present moment that I can be in. 

Nameste

Thoughts Evaporate...

"The thought you are having now will evaporate, probably in moments. Thoughts are like that - they come and go, so there's usually no need to take them terribly seriously.  Observe and move on."

Padraig O'Morian

Sometimes I am truly shocked at how quickly my thoughts and moods can change;  they really do eb and flow and rarely last for much time.

Today I had anxiety in the morning before work - off for 4 days and wondering how things would be after a long weekend I suspect. I knew that by the time I arrived at work - literally an hour away - it would dissipate and crumble into nothing.

There are times when I question my thought - why am I thinking this!  I am quick to judge myself with catastrophic and black and white thinking:  "why do I always expect the worst".  Truth is, it was only one thought...and it means very little.

Do I recognize all the great thoughts I have?  Do I appreciate the times of peace, joy and empathy I feel?

I believe there might be some merit in not putting too much weight into our emotions or  what we think.  They seem to be very fluid.  They will change.  Who knows what we will think or feel later today, tomorrow or in a week!  The only constant in our lives is that things will always change.

When things are challenging - be it a thought or feeling - knowing that there is a real possibility of feeling or thinking differently can be a great comfort.

Nameste

Pain vs Suffering

"… we can distinguish between the normal pain of life – difficult emotions, physical discomfort, and so on – and actual suffering, which is the mental anguish caused by fighting against the fact that life is sometimes painful." Kristin Neff, Self Compassion

We will have pain and discomfort.  However there is always some control in the amount of thinking we give these states.  We can choose NOT to suffer.  

Nameste

Working out isn't just for the body....

“Each time you bring yourself back to the breath is a moment of training. This is how the heart and mind learn to move from a stage of habitual and reactive distraction to one that’s more responsive, creative, and aware.“ Vidyamala Burch

It is interesting what I will accept;  If want to get in shape - train for a 5 mile run - I will simply have to do the work! 

Why is peace of mind, mental and emotional health any different?  Do I think I'll will my way into a happier state of being?  Do I just decide not to have anxiety anymore? 

Of course not!  It's work.  Very simple.  I am in training!  Just because I don't gain weight or start getting winded on the stairs doesn't mean I am "fit" mentally. 

Everything worth something requires effort, dedication and faith. Improving myself and dealing with my own issues has been the hardest work I will ever do!  

Just like with physical health, there is continued maintenance required. 

Meditate today!  Journal.  Practice a mindfulness exercise.  These things will keep you sane!  These things will allow you to be free. 

Nameste 

Stars can't shine without darkness

"Accepting feelings doesn't mean acting on them. It means you don't fight with their existence. You can let them be there while you get on with your day"

Padraig O'Morian

Don't fight;  accept.  So simple but so challenging!  I'm drawn to this concept likely because of two convincing reasons:

1.  When I succeed at accepting and I stop fighting, I am more at peace with myself, my emotions and my experiences. 
2. Just like Mom and Dad told us..."eat your vegetables!  they're good for you!"  I KNOW that acceptance is good for me....so I keep trying.  I load my plate up with broccoli because I want to be ..healthier!

For many people, myself included, I strive for "happiness, peace, contentment".  Of course!  However, having only "pleasant" emotions isn't very realistic, or even always desirable.

I enjoy Canada because I like the changing seasons; when spring rolls around I'm excited.  If I had spring and summer all the time I'm fairly certain I'd take it for granted.  Just like when I go to the cottage and the first day seeing the lake - the sun dancing off the water -the sounds of the boats and warmth of the sun...it's heaven.  On day 5....missing my wifi!  If I lived on the water I would take that for granted too!  I know myself!!

But getting back to one's desire to feel happy, peaceful and contented....if I was always all those things I'm sure they would lose value somehow.  

I need the dark to appreciate light.  I need the negative to see the positive. And so instead of fighting my feelings, it's better for me to accept them...whatever they are.  I don't have to act on them;  I can just let them be.  Because they will change.  

I also don't have to fear them, or strive to change them.  No emotion is "wrong" or "bad". They just "are". 

Nameste

A thought is not an instruction

A thought is not an instruction. Recall this phrase when your mind tells you that you "must" do this or you "should" do that.

By:  Padriag O'Morian

I find this concept very valuable.  Sometimes we are on auto pilot.  And a thought CAN feel more like an instruction - especially when it comes to changing our behaviors or how we perceive ourselves. 

I've heard the saying  "don't should all over yourself".  It's not productive and can negatively influence one's self esteem.  Being gentle and kind to yourself teaches us to do the same for others. 

Nameste

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

 I have this sticky note up beside my desk;  FEAR:  false evidence appearing real. 

I think I wrote this because so many emotions can be traced back to fear.

When anyone experiences fear - it is usually because of an outcome or possibility that they have no control over....of course...what they fear will happen. 

I could list hundreds of examples.  The point is that when you look at what you are afraid of...that could be anxiety or just generalized worry...it could be a drop dead fear of flying or large snakes - whatever it is....one can always argue - it hasn't happened yet. 

And why do we worry about things that have not occurred?  Of course we are trying to protect ourselves from uneccesary pain.  Makes sense.  However we start playing the "what if" game.  

When we enter into a conversation of "what if" with ourselves, we just have to say STOP!
What if I die tomorrow.  What if I loose my job.  What if Jim-bo leaves me?  Not worth thinking about!

The only way anyone can deal with all of this is by staying in the now.  Nothing is happening  right now.    And we can stay HERE.  

Fear is not real.  This moment is.

Nameste

What's Your Problem?

I'm not sure about others, but I tend to focus on what my problems are!  I've mentioned before trying to stay away from the question WHY?  Why am I so emotional?  Why can't I just accept this loss?  What is my problem!

Some investigation is helpful, of course.  If I'm constantly disappointed by people or events, perhaps I can look at my expectations....and not having them!  I find they always get me into trouble.  There is plenty of room for improvement in all of us. However it can be a slippery slope, easily morphing into judgement and criticism.  The last stage is narrowly focusing on the issue or problems you have.  This is called....resisting (obsessing, worrying, ruminating etc.)

Trying to rid yourself of unwanted thoughts and feelings can be summed up as resistance.  I believe this is based in fear.  When that happens, things persist.  What we resist, persists. 

Acceptance is the antidote.  Accept your crappy, judging thoughts and emotions for what they are...passing, human and natural.  Move on.  Don't give them power. Make changes;  improvements where you can.  But be kind to yourself. Constant critique and evaluation only adds stress.  Get back to the present moment.  Take a breath.  Make a mindfulness jar!   I just read about it at http://mindfulnessjar.com/mind-calming-glitter-jar/

We all have problems.  Some will be there tomorrow or in 5 minutes.  But right now, all can be well.  In this moment. 

Nameste

Accept what is happening right now

“When we stop trying to force pleasant feelings, they are freer to emerge on their own. When we stop trying to resist unpleasant feelings, we may find that they can drift away by themselves . When we stop trying to make something happen, a whole world of fresh and unanticipated experiences may become accessible to us.”
Mark Williams

External vs internal acceptance

Acceptance is a challenging thing;  It doesn't appear that it is a one time event, nor is it static.  I might accept something today, and the very next day find myself fighting... with myself  and my thoughts.  Resisting. 

I am discovering that being accepted by others (partner, work, friends, family or society) is very different than self acceptance.  When I demand that others provide me with the acceptance I am seeking, I end up in a negative and at times - torchured - state.    I want people to understand what it's like, for example, to be in pain with every step;  and I sink a lot of energy into either explaining it to others OR more often than not having my own little conversation in my head!!!  "They don't understand how difficult this is"  OR " I have to find a way to explain it so people know I would do it if I could....I'm not lazy....I'm trying"....etc.  

The only acceptance I think I need is my own.  I can comfort myself.  I can understand - feel compassion - believe myself!  I don't need external validation or acceptance from others in order to feel at peace with my own lot in life.  It is difficult for me at times to participate in some activities - and no explanation is needed - other than - "I can't physically do that today".  And I don't have to wait for understanding or acceptance from anyone.  I know I do my very best day in and day out.  We are all imperfect human beings. I think I have to stop apologizing and trying to explain.  I can't expect things from other people I perhaps need to provide myself.  

I can comfort myself today.  It is "me" that needs to gain acceptance - compassionate and loving acceptance....for myself.